The Terror of Love…Dark Underbelly of Cohabitation

Credit: Original Wikipedia Post

Ok, so I am breaking a promise to all of you, dear readers. I confess, I did not do my 2 Just Because Club experiments with the Deck of Moments last night. I know, I know, you are all so very disappointed, perhaps you will never believe me again. Perhaps I’ll never believe myself again…

Nah, I’ll believe myself again, someday, if I ever find that I have a self, that is. Anyone who can prove to me that they have a self, leave me a comment with your proof. I will give you a special prize.

Ok, onward to today’s post. Today, I have had to confront a whole host of invisible contracts that I have known about for a long time. What are invisible contracts, you ask? They are the invisible agreements humans hold each other to, without explicitly stating their expectations ahead of time.

Some examples of invisible contracts:

-You have sex with someone, and the next day, you do not call them, in fact, you never call them back. The person is extremely angry with you for not calling back, although they never told you that IF you have sex with him or her, it MEANS that you have agreed to call them back.

-You go out with a friend to a baseball game, and you pay the tab for them. Then, the next time you go to a baseball game, the friend gets angry when you don’t pick up the tab. The invisible contract was that once you pay for one game, you have to pay for games in the future.

-You get married to someone. Your spouse gets mad at you for not telling him or her where you are going, when you will get home, and what you were doing while you were out. The invisible contract states, “If we are married, it means that we have to report to each other about all of our activities.”

Do those examples make sense? If you can think of your own examples of invisible contracts, post them on the comments for this blog.

I have engaged in all kinds of invisible contracts, especially those centered around jealousy, and knowing what my partner(s) are up to at any given time. Of course, the relationships never begin as subtle, mutually enslaving engagements. The contracts just creep in slowly over time. Then, by the time each of us notices what has gone on, it takes a lot of facing up with ourselves, and going through a shitload of pain to free ourselves.

Each time this has happened in my life, I have blamed myself for the failure of the relationship. Today, I spoke extensively with my current partner about these issues. Both of us like to think of ourselves as aware and awakened, with our efforts aimed at individual liberty. So, both of us are accustomed to these kinds of conversations. Although, this does not make the conversations any easier.

Today, I have seen again, more clearly than in the past, just how deep the romantic-love-programming really goes. Think about this: if you have grown up watching loads of television, chances are you have seen far more examples of television relationships than you have seen real life relationships. What is the effect of this? Well, I would speculate that the fake relationships we see on TV set our minds up with expectations for our real life relationships. Then, when our relationships do not work out as they did on TV, we blame ourselves and our failures.

Let me tell you a secret. You are an animal. That’s right, a chaotic beast, running around on a floating rock in space. All those labels, roles, and personalities you have are akin to scripts and roles for a Grand Broadway Production….except you believe they are real, and you let them determine your actions and thought processes.

Yes, I have seen through much of the bullshit programming that floats around competing for my brain space, but that doesn’t mean that I have successfully swept my mind clear of it all. Every time I upgrade my brain, I discover a few new areas that need upgrading. I have suspected for a long time that I need to upgrade my brain parts that handle relationships, but I never witnessed the depth of this program until today.

A lot of tears, gut-wrenching realization, and difficult conversations later, I feel a little bit lighter, and more optimistic. I have had a tendency to get so attached to the beautiful women in my life, that I have completely abandoned my own efforts, aims, friendships, and activities, all to spend an extreme amount of time with my partner.

Let me tell you, this has the effect of choking both myself, and my wonderful partner. In the past, this was all going on under the radar. Now I can see it, and make an effort to change it. Without going into too much detail, I will tell you this: I know that I will never enter into an exclusive relationship again. I will also never put myself in any position with any new lover that will prevent me from seeing and sleeping with my best friend and current lover.

My current lover and I have made a pact to never let each other “fall asleep” again. We have promised each other that we will remain friends, and that we will never let each other fall into an invisible contract situation, with each other, or with anyone else.

Now, none of this means that I am against exclusivity with a single partner, if it happens spontaneously and joyously. In fact, I don’t really care what any of you do with your own lives. I am here simply to inspire and to spread knowledge and experience. What I do care about is making sure that I have personal sovereignty, and that I encourage and support the same for my friends, associates, and lovers.

Well, that is it for today. Again, I will deliver on my Just Because Club promise, with this caveat: If a lesson, adventure, or challenge drops in to surprise me, I will report on that, rather than my preplanned challenge for the day. Got it? No need to compete with the infinite chaos of life itself, when it cares to drop by. I welcome and enjoy its teasing and teaching.

Now, I begin down the exciting, wondrous, and sometimes painful path toward ridding my brain of yet another collection of illusions and invisible contracts. Welcome to Reality!

More on this aspect of my life as it develops. Any questions? Leave them on the comments section below.

Love, wildness, chaos, joy..

-GTD

PS: for getting started on your own journey of liberation:

Tags: chaos, illusions, invisible contracts, jealousy, joy, liberty, Love, multiple partners, open relationship, programming, relationship, romantic love, wildness