Tonight heralds the suicide of another false self o’ mine. How did it happen this time?
The false self that dies tonight is the one that turns everything into some kind of tedious chore. This false self, born out of endless tired mornings marching off to some school (training-prison), has tended to take the beautiful and mysterious parts of life, affix labels to them, pretend to understand them, and then rejected them out of boredom and then moved onto the next mystery in order to destroy it in similar fashion.
I noticed this false self operating tonight when I thought of approaching this blog to do my daily (nightly) post. It started to tell me to feel annoyed with my daily challenge to grow more aware, awake, evolved, and accepting of myself(s). As time drifted on, it began tricking me into feeling pretty terrible, giving myself labels such as, “loser,” “asshole,” “incompetent,” and other such nonsense and garbage.
I have heard enough of these labels from within my own head to last a few lifetimes.
Some other ways this false self has gotten into my head over the years are as follows:
1. When I get into a new exercise program, such as yoga, bodyweight conditioning, martial arts, or running, the little bastard tells me that I am not actually interested in exercise, but that I MUST do it, that I SHOULD do it, or else I am no good. This creates such immense pressure around doing the activity that it has the opposite effect. My brain then creates clever ways to avoid the activity, then I look back months later and wonder where things went wrong.
2.When I meet a new partner or lover, the withered little creep somehow manages to trick me into forgetting that the people I love have depth and mystery beyond anything that can ever be spoken or grasped. It then tells me that I MUST create some kind of serious attachment to that person, and get them to do all the things that I want to do, whether or not they want to do them. This creates such immense pressure around the formerly adventurous and mysterious carefree love experience that it has the opposite effect. My brain then reacts to the perceived pains of that pressure by getting me to sabotage or otherwise create distance between myself and the person.
3.When I find a new location that I really enjoy visiting, the false self then affixes all kinds of associations and emotions to that new location. Then, my brain creates either an attachment to, or an avoidance of the new location, based on those former associations, all of which were bullshit to begin with.
This false little bastard kills the newness and mystery of life. Tonight, I have had enough. Tonight, after some immense, intense, difficult, and finally transcendant and triumphant experiences with my current lover, I decided to:
A. Do the Laughing Breath in the midst of the painful experience. By this, I mean doing 5 repetitions of taking a full breath in, and then saying, “Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha” until exhaling all of the breath. Then, 5 reps of “Hee hee hee hee hee hee” again, until exhaling all of the breath. Then, 5 reps of faster, more erratic laughter, again, for a full breath on each repetition.
What the hell does this accomplish, you ask?
It accomplishes many things. The first of which is to create a whole new perspective on the situation. Instead of wallowing around feeling pitiful and worthless (hallmarks of this false self’s monologue), I have communicated to my brain and body that I am willing to do something to make myself feel better. By doing something different with my physiology than letting it play out a stylized reaction, I am shaking up my brain matter and breaking apart the old, well worn paths.
It also moves the parts of my muscles and body that move when I “genuinely” laugh, which in turn tell my brain that something has delighted me and made me laugh. This creates a new pathway that leads from feeling down and pitiful to feeling delighted and full of joy.
Even more, it gives me a boost of strength, and helps me to remember that ANY thought, idea, or definition of myself is simply a tool, not a solid and real thing, but a lens through which to view my deep and mysterious nature. Wandering around feeling pitiful and bad for myself is akin to using a hammer to repair a small ding in a car windshield. Using my brain in this manner is simply not useful, and in fact, it is destructive and rather ridiculous.
B. Face the pains that I have not yet faced in this relationship with my lover.
This, of course, prevents all kinds of suffering, and after facing the pains, a deep physical sense of compassion arises from deep within my guts. This allows me to accept myself enough to actually listen to what She has to say, and to pay attention to where she is coming from, instead of interpreting everything through my own self-interest and manipulating the situation to get what my false little self thinks it needs to survive.
The net effect of all of this? I gain in power, strength, friendship, and understanding, and I assist in creating the space for her and I to express ourselves as real human-animals, instead of some fake-ass sitcom wannabe plastic mannequins. Once I stopped trying to defend myself or impress everyone else, I was able to identify the fake self in operation, accept myself, and let it die.
To this fake self, and all fake selves I say, in the words of a great teacher, “thanks for your help, you have been with me for a long time, but I am on my own now. Good night.”
To all of you reading this now or sometime in the future, or in the past (hey, who knows?), I say, “Give thanks and accept EVERYTHING about yourself, let the fake parts of you see the light of day, and they will wither and walk away.”
Go ahead and use the Laughing Breath if you would like. You might find it very difficult to get yourself to stop obsessing over strong emotional reactions for long enough to do it, but that is precisely the moment when you gain the most benefit from doing so.
What part of yourself has the power to make decisions such as these?
How many of you made it through this whole post? If you did, leave a comment and I will reward you somehow. Tell me about one of your fake selves, and how you have accepted and transcended it.
Tomorrow, a day for gratitude. Everything is as it should be, even if there are powerful forces attempting to get you to believe that it is not. Don’t believe the hype.
Love, Wildness, Chaos, Joy….
-GTD
